why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
