I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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