Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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