I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
