got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
