I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
