i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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