Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
