They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
