She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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