just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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