Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
