Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I have already put on my inside pants.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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