My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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