PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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