2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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