I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
they need to just BURY HIM!
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
