i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
