I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
