I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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