So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
