I need to stop coming to work sober
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
