Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
