I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
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I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
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I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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