I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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