And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
