wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
