I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
