my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
