I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
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It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
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Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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