I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i may or may not be watching the land before time
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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