So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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