Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
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did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
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We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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