I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
