I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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