Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
