You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I think i got beer on your cat.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
