one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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