and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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