I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
