just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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