the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
