i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
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She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
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Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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