I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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