It was confusing and full of hummus
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
