I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
