the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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