Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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