areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
