just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You ate ashes out of my bong
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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