Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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