I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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