so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
