pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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