WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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