you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
