just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just want to make out with him forever
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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