I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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