and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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